weeks 10 & 11: it's not you, it's me

I know I've been horrible at updating.  I'd like to use the excuse that I have been so super busy that I haven't had time, but the truth is I do have the time, I'm just a slacker ;)

Let's just go straight to the good stuff, shall we?

Week 10

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 172.8lbs
Saturday's weigh in: 170lbs (weighed in a day late... again)
Pounds to goal weight: 15lbs

Week 11
The day after Thanksgiving?  Ha, I think not.  I'm still relishing in the fact that I have hit the 20lb mark.  Yes, that's 20lbs!!!  (<-- that totally deserved 3 exclamation points)

So I must say, I am so happy to reach this 20lb mark.  It really makes me realize that I am doing something right.  I love being able to fit into my old clothes.  20lbs ago, I struggled almost every day figuring out what I could wear because nothing fit.  I decided that rather than investing my time and money into buying new clothes, I'd invest my time and money into making a healthier me.

So here I am, 15lbs to my goal, entering one of the hardest seasons for eating healthy.  While I am not going to take a break from trying to be as healthy as I can be, I am going to be taking a break from blogging about my weight loss.  I'm sure I'll pop in from time to time to say hi to the 3 people who read this (yay, I gained a fan!), but right now I'm going to relieve myself of the stress of having to post my weight for the world to see for the next month or so.  I promise I won't just give up and binge on fudge and sugar cookies all season long.  I'm actually enjoying this healthier eating - I love the way it makes me feel and I LOVE wearing my old clothes again.  It's just a little break.  It's not you, it's me.  I'll be back soon, I promise.

With that, I hope you all are enjoying a wonderful holiday season!

weeks 8 & 9: tricks and treats

Sorry for being behind on this.  I was going to say I have been super busy, but really, that's a lie.  I've just been lazy, ha ha.

It has been a difficult 2 weeks.  I've had treats in my house and am constantly cheating.  I'll do well during the day, but at night I begin to graze and snack on things I shouldn't be eating, and I don't bother tracking those items.  Luckily, now, all of the candy is gone, and just yesterday I took the remaining Pumpkin Spice Ice Cream that I have been eating almost every night for the past week and dumped it down the sink.  It's too much of a temptation and I can't have it in the house.  That's been the biggest epiphany these past two weeks: I can't handle temptation.  If it's in my house, I WILL eat it.  So, two big lessons learned these past two weeks:

1) Cheating only hurts me.  I'ts not like I'm fooling anyone.
2) If I allow junk in my house, I will eat it.  So no junk.

As for the rest of this post, I thought I'd give my results of the past two weeks and then do a little "What's Been On My Plate" series of some of my more healthier choices.  I left pictures the of ice cream and candy out, ha ha.  So here are my results:


Week 8
Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 174lbs
Friday's weigh in: 172.8lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 17.8lbs

Week 9

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 172.8lbs
Saturday's weigh in: 172.6lbs (weighed in a day late)
Pounds to goal weight: 17.6lbs

While I still lost, week 9's loss was almost negligible, but still a lost technically.  I'm trying to step up my game so my weight loss is pounds, not ounces.  More healthy choices, less junk!

Alright, here is my "What's Been On My Plate" section.  Not every meal is picture worthy, but these are a few that I felt were good, healthy options:

Spinach, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, basil and

crumbled veggie sausage over egg whites.

Egg whites with sauteed spinach and onions, veggie

sausage and fruit.

Spaghetti squash with marinara.

Green smoothie with spinach, kale, blueberries, 

banana, raspberries and greek yogurt.

Egg whites with sauteed spinach and onions, with left

over roasted veggies from the night before, fruit and

green tea.

Tuna salad with low fat mayo over a bed of lettuce,

cucumber on a whole wheat tortilla.

Here is a snapshot of my progress!

the great D-MERge

As I was contemplating writing this blog, I was trying to come up with a witty title.  I honesty thought I had made up a cool word, but the word "demerge" is, in fact, a real word that means to separate a company from another with which it was previously merged.  Oddly enough, this word fits quite well with the subject of this blog.

Some of you may have noticed that I spelled "dermege" wrong in my title.  You probably have also guessed that it was done on purpose.  You, my friend, are one smart cookie.  You see, while demerge may be a business term, I am using it to describe the current relationship between Jenna and myself; more specifically, our breast feeding relationship.  And this choice to "demerge" has been heavily influenced by something called D-MER.  What is D-MER, you ask? Let me start from the beginning.

When my son was born I was more than determined to breast feed exclusively.  My thought then and still today is that breast feeding is the normal and healthy choice for a mom and baby, and that formula was only an option if there were some serious issues happening that were beyond my control.  Luckily, I was blessed with an abundant supply and after the initial few weeks of pain, I thought things would be smooth sailing. And in one sense they were.  My son was thriving, my supply was great... but something still felt off.  Something that was hard to describe or understand. Every time I nursed my son, I felt... well, weird.  I got this intense homesick feeling. It was like I was extremely sad for no reason.  Often times I would find myself crying when I nursed him but I wasn't sure why.   I would also get very nauseous, to the point that in the beginning I thought I was actually going to get sick.  This happened every time I nursed.

At first, I thought it was postpartum depression.  I figured my hormones from birth were still out of wack, so maybe those feelings were tied to that. After a few months, though, I began to wonder what was going on with me.  I had read numerous times that breast feeding was such a wonderful experience.  That our body releases hormones during the process that gives us those warm, fuzzy feelings... that it was one of the closest, most inmate times a mother and baby could have.  But it felt the opposite for me.  I felt sad, upset, nauseous... no warm fuzzies for this mama.  So I finally reached out to an online breast feeding group.  I felt almost silly when I was describing it and I thought for sure they'd tell me I was crazy, so I was shocked when a few ladies told me to look up D-MER, because it seemed to describe what I was feeling.

So I looked up this site and after reading it, I just sat there, amazed.  It was like someone had described EXACTLY what I felt, more specifically, the "despondency" category of D-MER.  This is a little piece from that website describing what I felt:

"Despondency D-MER
This is the most common experience on the spectrum. The words and phrases most commonly used are the mother having:
A sensation of a pit/hollowness or sinking in the stomach
Sadness
An urge to 'get away'
General negative emotions
Feelings of being hopeless
Feelings of being apprehensive"

For me, add nausea to that and it basically describes how I felt.  I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy, that it wasn't PPD and it would eventually subside, which it did.  I wouldn't say it went entirely away (especially the nausea part) but it did subside greatly.  By 16 months, the age in which my son weaned, it was hardly an issue.

When my daughter was born, I was praying I wouldn't experience D-MER again, but at least I was a little prepared. Unfortunately, though, it came back in full force.  The feeling was much more intense than with my son. I cried almost every time we nursed.  I couldn't help but think of horribly depressing things, like what if I died, or my husband died or one of my children died. I began dreading every nursing, especially the evening/night ones.  Those were the worst.  I was alone, in the dark, and they usually lasted the longest, which meant multiple letdowns, and as a result, multiple intense feelings of sadness.  I've always been a huge advocate of breast feeding, so I hate to admit that at this point in my life, I pretty much hated breast feeding.  I wanted to give up and use formula or donated milk badly.  But those negative feelings towards breast feeding weren't always there - it only happened while I nursed my daughter.  Sometimes after an intense nursing session, I'd look back only a few minutes later and think I was so silly for thinking those things.  It's like a Jekyll and Hyde experience.

As time went on, and the feelings weren't really subsiding like they did with my son, I began to realize that if I wanted to continue breast feeding, I needed to make some changes.  I realized several important factors that made a nursing session more manageable:

1) Nursing around others.
While the negative feelings were still there, I have found that if I am surround by people, I am distracted in a good way and I focus less on those negative feelings.  On occasion I have had people ask me if I was ok because of the look on my face while I nurse, but for the most part I could nurse around others and they would have no idea what was going on inside my head.

2) Eating.
I get nausea while nursing, but I noticed the intensity of the nausea was tied to how full or hungry I was.  If I ate a large meal, then nursed, I felt awful.  If I was super hungry and nursed, I felt awful.  So making sure I had a little to eat and doing my best to not nurse after a full meal helped greatly.

3) Distractions.
My phone has been a life saver.  The distractions an IPhone can provide are basically limitless.  So distracting myself with Facebook, Instagram or whatever game I am currently addicted to has really helped.  The more distracted I am, the less intense the feelings are.

4) Intentional positive thinking.
I began to realize that while the negative feelings I had were intense and automatic, I could still choose to think about positive things.  So I began to intentionally think about good things, and often times talk out loud to my daughter.  I would pray for her, tell her how much I loved her, talk about my favorite parts of the day or things I looked forward to in the future.  I would force myself to reminisce about good times, like family vacations in Iowa, my wedding, the births of my children.  I would sing praise songs. Anything to keep me focused on something positive.

5) Sleep.
D-MER aside, my emotional well being is directly tied to the amount of sleep I get.  I notice than when I have been consistently sleep deprived, my ability to cope with stress decreases immensely.  Throw the negative feelings of D-MER in with an extremely sleep deprived mama, and you're looking at a guaranteed intense nursing session.  While I couldn't always control the amount of sleep I got (thanks to a baby who needed to nurse every 2-3 hours for the first 10-12 months of her life), I could remind myself that I am especially tired, and that my distractions and positive thinking needed to be even more intentional.

After the first few months, I was doing as much of the above as possible to make my nursing sessions as bearable as possible.  I had remembered with my son that the 5-6 month mark is when things began to subside.  So I kept telling myself that I just needed to make it to 6 months and things would get better.  When month 6 rolled around and not much had changed, I began to get a little worried.  Even though I was doing my best to cope with D-MER, it wasn't easy.  I began to feel hopeless.  It was hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When the 12 month mark hit, 2 things were clear: my daughter was nowhere near ready to wean on her own and my D-MER, while slightly less intense, was not going away like it did with my son.  I felt like I was stuck.  I started to resent my breast feeding relationship with my daughter while feeling extremely guilty about the resentment.  Every nursing session I had was a struggle.  I was tired of trying so hard to make things work.  Around 13 months I decided to start the weaning process.  It has not been easy or fun.  Even now as I write this tears are streaming down my face because this hasn't been an easy decision.  I feel horrible for taking something away from my daughter that she loves so much.  The guilt I feel is overwhelming at times, but I feel like it needs to be done.  I'm tired of the emotional struggles of breastfeeding.

My daughter turned 15 months a few days ago, and she is almost fully weaned.  This weekend I will be away from her and I'm guessing the weaning process will be done by Sunday.  I feel relieved and grief ridden at the same time.  It's been a long and extremely emotional journey.  It is likely my last breast feeding journey, which also saddens me.

I guess the point in writing this was partly to help people understand what I'm going through, but mostly for me to try to process this whole experience.  I'm still struggling with knowing if I am making the right decision.  It's been weighing on my heart and I needed to share it.  Nothing about this process has been easy.  Ideally I would have let my daughter wean on her own terms.  I wish I could just ignore the feelings I get when we nurse, but I can't and  tired of them.

Before I end, I would like to note that never once did I feel negative feelings toward my kids while nursing, nor did I have negative feelings toward myself or thoughts of self harm, suicide or harming my children.  If that had been the case, I would have sought professional help and would strongly encourage anyone who does feel those feelings to so the same.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my breast feeding journey and thank you to so many of you who have been a support along the way.

And dear, sweet daughter.  I love you so much. I'm sorry I'm taking away something you love so dearly, but mama needs a break.  I'm not upset with you - you've done everything perfectly.  I'm still here for you.  My hugs, kisses and cuddles for you will never run out.  I love you, little birdie, and nothing will ever change that.

Love,
Mama Frenchy

The moment it all began.  So bittersweet.

week 7: my week of struggles

This week was a rough week, as I blogged about earlier.  I had a big cheater day, and the other days weren't that much better.  Part of my issue was that I had not been to the grocery store yet and was very low on fresh fruits and veggies.  The other issue... was a womanly one.  The kind that tells my brain "Eat chocolate.  Lots and lots of chocolate."  And the only way to shut it up is to eat the dang chocolate.

But... I made a Costco run and stocked up on fruits and veggies, the trick-or-treaters will be taking away the candy soon and this week is a new week.  I can start over and make better choices.  Tomorrow.  Because tonight I might have most definitely did dip back into the Halloween candy.  Shhhhh... if you don't tell, I won't tell.  My thighs might try to say something though.

Ok, onto my weigh in.  Like I said, rough week but not totally devastating.  Here we go:

Start weight: 190.7lbs (<-- never going back here!)
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 174.4lbs
Friday's weigh in: 174lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 19lbs

So not a huge loss, but a loss none the less!  On to this next week!

Sorry for keeping everyone waiting!

cheater, cheater, junk food eater

I cheated big time last night.

Big time.

It was dinner time, and I was out an about with my kids.  I called my husband to let him know I was coming home.  He said, "Hey, do you just want to make life easier and pick something up for us?"

Ok, I knew in my head that I had about 8 points left for the day.  There isn't much you can get at a fast food place that is satisfying and only 8 points.  I told him maybe I'd grab something for him and the kids, but not for me (see, I started out with good intentions!)  He decided on Taco Bell, so I headed over there.  As I was in the drive through, I noticed their new cantina bowls.  They looked healthy, AND there was a veggie option, so I ordered that for myself.  Once I got home and actually began eating it, I quickly realized 2 things: 1) "veggie" just means they leave off the meat... there are no actually veggies on it other than the corn salsa and pico de gallo, and 2) that this item was definitely not as healthy as the picture lead me to believe.  Note to self: just because something has lettuce does not mean it will be healthy.

But of course, I ate it anyway.  All of it.  It was pretty tasty...

And then I ate my daughter's cheese roll up.  Because she wouldn't eat it.

And then I ate the extra cheese roll up that I thought my son would like but didn't touch.

Oh, and did I mention I stole my husband's nacho cheese sauce and dipped both cheese roll ups in it?  Yeah, that happened.

Right now you're probably saying, "Well... that's not TOO bad.  Everyone can cheat a little every once in a while.  Don't be so hard on yourself."

You're too kind, but unfortunately it doesn't stop there.  An hour later I started craving something sweet.  The Halloween candy that I bought Monday night was calling to me.  Normally, I try to buy stuff I don't like. And I mostly did this time... but there was a bag of fun size Milky Way bars just calling my name.  I mean, come on, they're FUN size.  Fun.  I love fun.  And chocolate.  So I took a handful.  And then another handful... and another.  And quite possibly another.

Oh, and the best part?  I definitely didn't track any of this.

This is an all time low for me in my journey to being healthier, which is why I am writing about it right now.  I'm not perfect.  I'm trying to do my best, but as someone much greater than I once said, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."  I've decided not to dwell on this.  I'm moving past this, and I will do better the rest of this week.

PHEW... so good to get that all off my chest.  I guess we'll see what Friday has in store for me soon!

week 6: a day late

Forgive me for being a day late.  I was in San Diego Thursday night and Friday morning so I weighed on this morning rather than Friday morning.

This past week I was CERTAIN I gained.  In fact, I even cheated and weighed myself on Tuesday and I was almost 1lb heavier.  So I tried to be good, but I found myself hitting my points every day and usually spilling over into my weekly points.  I ended up using every single on of my weekly allowance points, actually!  After Tuesday, though, I was better about making healthier choices.  So towards the end of my week, even though I was going over my daily limit, I was doing it with better food choices.  I guess I was just extra hungry this week.

I was actually really nervous about weighing myself this morning.  Last night I had pizza and cookies, lol.  I know, I know, not the healthiest of choices.  It's not something I do often now.  So this morning, before I stepped on the scale, I had already mentally prepped myself with the "Everyone has ups and downs... this is only a little speed bump in my road to weight loss" speech.  I stepped on the scale, and here are my results:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weightL 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 177.2
Today's weigh in: 174.4
Total weight loss: 16.3
Pounds to goal weight: 19.4lbs

I lost, and much more than I could have anticipated!  This has motivated me to try even harder this week.  I've also decided that once I hit 20lbs lost, I'm gong to treat myself to something special.  Maybe a hair cut or a new pair of jeans.  I haven't decided yet, but that's my motivation to stay on a good path.  Well, that and the fact that I'm actually losing weight.

I'd love to hear if I have motivated anyone to make healthier decisions!  Please feel free to leave me a comment or message me on Facebook!  Hearing that I have inspired someone give me even extra motivation to keep going.  Also, please share your tips and tricks to healthier eating.  I'd love to hear them!  Thanks again for all your support!

~Mama Frenchy

week 5: always on the go

As my title states, I was on the go a lot this week.  I felt like I had 10 errands to run every day.  My poor kids were dragged all around town.  At one point on Thursday, my son asked, "Can I go to my home now?"  He he... poor kid!

I've also had a few occasions where I ate out as well.  In the past I have always used eating out as an excuse to eat whatever I want.  Hey, we're out, this is special, so who cares if my entree is nearly all the calories 1 person needs in a day, right?  Wrong.  Well, most of the time that's wrong.  I don't think a person needs to deprive themselves all the time, especially if it really is a special occasion, but learning how to eat healthy even when you're out is so important when you're trying to change your health habits.  So I swapped out fries for fruit, drank water instead of lemonade and traded my usual burger buns for lettuce.  My food still tastes great, it's still filling and I don't walk away with regret.  Yay for healthy choices!

While I have been doing better in some areas, there are still areas I need to work on, namely my night eating and my lack of exercise.  I can't seem to break this habit of eating at night... my snack choices are changing, but the snacking still continues.  Perhaps I should just go to bed early... more sleep for me and no opportunity to snack (says the girl who is up writing her blog at 1am).  And yes, exercise.  I need to find something that works for me and my crazy schedule...

Ok, baby girl is crying, so lets get to the good stuff:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 178.2lbs
Today's (well, Friday's) weigh in: 177.2
Total weight loss: 13.5lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 22.2lbs

I lost a pound and I'll take it!  Ok, off to try to get little girl back to bed!!  Good night!