week 3: ups and downs

Well, I didn't have high hopes for this week.  I admittedly did not have very good eating habits.  I would find myself so busy during the day that I wasn't taking the time to eat when I needed to and once again, found myself getting hungry at night.  Several days I went over my daily allowance of Weight Watcher points, although I never went over my weekly allowance.  And I know I could have made better choices.

Also... this week was the fun week leading up to my monthly visitor who showed up right on schedule today.  I feel bloated, hungry, and crave salts and sweets when this lovely visitor arrives.  My entire life I have always gained weight when this happens (usually only a couple pounds).  So knowing I had that working against me didn't give me much hope.

And I'm not going to lie.  I had ice cream, like, 4 times this week.  I hate my husband for buying it.  Not really.  But kind of.  And I *might* be eating some right now  >.<

One thing that I had working for me, however, was the fact that my daughter was nursing like crazy this week.  You see, with Weight Watchers, if you're a nursing mom, you're allowed extra points because breast feeding burns calories.  When I signed up, I debated signing up as a nursing mom or not.  I decided against it because at that point, it seemed like she was weaning and her nursing was short and infrequent.  Maybe once or twice a day for a couple minutes, and once or twice at night.  Well this week she has been having some tummy issues and had gone back to primarily nursing.  Which means extra calories burned for me.

Alright, with all that said, here are my results:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 183lbs
Today's weigh in: 179.4
Total weight loss: 11.3lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 24.4

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale.  I actually got off, reset it, and weighed myself again because I thought it was off.  Nope - it was right the first time.  I'll take it!  I have to say, with everything that was going against me this week, I think Jenna nursing so much is what caused me to lose so much weight.  I think my plan will be to let her go a few more days like this, but if the nursing keeps up, I might start factoring that into my Weight Watchers points.  We'll see what the next few days bring us.

Sorry to take so long to get this out.  It's been a crazy day !

~ Mama Frenchy

yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail...

...and mortal life shall cease;

I shall possess, within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

This Sunday was a pretty typical Sunday for our family.  Church in the morning, a little football, lunch with some good friends, a little more football...

And then a phone call.

Anytime I get a phone call in the evening or at night, I always suspect that it's something bad.  I wouldn't say that in general I am a pessimist, but pretty much every "bad" phone call I have received has happened when the sun goes down.  So when our home phone rang, my first thought was "Uh oh".  Most of the time I am wrong in my assumption that it will be bad news, but this time, I wasn't.

My dad was on the other end, and after asking me how everyone was doing, informed me that my grandmother, Nana, passed away this evening.  She was breathing at 4pm, and wasn't the next time her caretakers checked on her at 6pm.

After a few tears, I decided to go over to her house to say goodbye.  My husband stayed home with the kids.  When I arrived, a few family members were there.  The smooth voice of Dean Martin was softly serenading her as she was lying in her bed, looking just as though she had fallen asleep.  I have seen a few people after they have passed and one thing always strikes me... how different a person looks after their soul leaves their body.  It's amazing how we are so much more than our physical bodies.

I have so much I could write about Nana.  From our weekly Sunday night dinners complete with spaghetti, meatballs, homemade bread and chocolate cake, to her yelling at her sons in Italian - she was a pivotal person in our family, and the memories she has given us will be cherished.

While I am sad she has left this earth, part of me rejoices.  She had been on a decline for a while.  I watched the Nana I knew as a child slowly slip away.  It's hard to watch... it's hard when your grandma forgets who you are.  I know it's not her fault, and I'm sure it was frustrating for her, but it broke my heart seeing her look at me, my cousins, even her own children with a look of confusion on her face.  And towards the end, the majority of her days were spent sleeping in her bed, barely eating.  That's no life for a person, especially for someone like Nana who was always so full of life.  So while I am sad she is gone, I've actually been grieving the loss of my grandma for a while now.  Knowing that she is now free is almost a relief.  I know she is with her Savior now, and for that, I rejoice.

I thank you all ahead of time for your condolences.  Even though this has been something we have been anticipating for a while, it's always hard to say goodbye, so your prayers for my family would be appreciated.  For those of you who are close to my family and are interested in attending her service, I'm sure I will be posting information about that on my facebook once we have that finalized.

Goodbye, Nana!  You will be missed!

~ Mama Frenchy

week 2: nachos, pizza, burritos, oh my!

As you can see by my title... this week wasn't the healthiest of weeks for me as far as food choices.  I found myself out a lot with little healthy choices OR catering to my husbands cravings rather than listening to my healthy little shoulder angel.  And... let's face it.  I like junk food.  Obviously.  Otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.  Luckily, though, even though I ate a few crappy meals, I was still able to stay under my points for the week.  But I did learn some valuable insights into my journey to better health:

1) Crappy food, even when eaten in moderation and within my "points", makes me feel crappy and leaves me hungry.  I've also noticed it's much saltier than I remember it being.  AND... it makes my stomach all bloated.  So seeing how much even small amounts of crappy food affects me is making it easier to say no.  Like last night.  When my husband yet again ordered pizza (I swear he is out to sabotage me... ok, not really, but he obviously isn't on board with the whole "healthy eating" thing).

2) I like to eat at night.  Like, a lot.  It has become a habit.  Get the kids to bed, sit down, watch Big Bang Theory, mindlessly eat snacks.  And I LOVE doing this.  About halfway through my week I suddenly realized how much of a habit this is for me and how badly I need to work on it.  So next week's goal: Eat more through out the day and not at night.  No more food past 8pm (I now that's still a little late, but baby steps here, people).

3) I need to go to the grocery store more.  Between myself and the kids, we go through fruits and veggies much faster than I realized.  And when those get low, I find myself scrounging around for something satisfying but not a ton of points.  And I'm sorry, but 10 wheat thins is just not satisfying. So more frequent trips to the store is a must if I want to keep healthy options around the house.

Alright, let's get down to the good stuff.  Did I lose weight?  Like I said... I didn't do great this week as far as making healthy choices, but I did stay under my points.  So here are my results:


Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 185lbs
Today's weigh in: 183lbs
Total weight loss: 7lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 28lbs

2lbs!  Yes!  My goal keeps getting closer and closer.  I've even noticed that my clothes are starting to fit a little better... and I don't whine to my husband that I have nothing to wear because I'm too big for everything ;)  Thanks to everyone who have been encouraging me in this!  It means a lot.  I still freak out a little every time someone mentions the fact that I'm posting my weight on the internet.  This is NOT an easy thing for me.  I don't even like to tell my husband how much I weigh.  But as I have said, I am hoping that by laying it all out there for everyone to see, I will be even more motivated to get healthier.

Ok... off to snack on some fruit.  Happy Friday, everyone!

~Mama Frenchy

week one: the battle has begun

Well, I realize a few people actually read my blog and want to know what week 1's results are. I wasn't planning on writing a blog tonight because I'm tired and already in bed, listening to the snores of my husband. BUT... Then I started feeling guilty that there were 2 fans out there anxiously awaiting my weigh in results. So I figured, "Well... I could write a quick blog from my phone..." So here I am. Blogging. In bed. On an iPhone.

Before I give my update, I'll give a little insight to my first week of Weight Watchers. I found myself really thinking about what I ate. I never realized how much I snacked during the day - and not healthy snacking either. I also never realized how much I snacked off my kids snacks! Like, if they didn't finish something, I'd finish it off OR... I'd intentionally make too much of something so I could eat some too. So for this week, I thought about everything that was going into my mouth, switched out the crackers and chips for some yummy fruit and avoided drinking empty calories as much as possible (something else I was always guilty of). I felt good all week - I never starved myself and always felt satisfied. I also contribute my healthier eating habits to not catching whatever dreadful cold my husband had for 3 days. I felt good about my choices and good about myself. I knew I wasn't eating crap, so I didn't feel like crap (funny how that works, huh?).  I also never felt deprived myself or felt like I was dieting. And having the WW app on my phone makes tracking points much easier and less of a hassle than I was expecting. 

Ok, on to some numbers. I've already embarrassed myself once with my horrifying start weight... So why not just keep it up, right? ;)

Start weight: 190.7lbs (I think... I'll have to look at the first post... I know it was 190.something...)
Goal weight: 155lbs
Today's weigh in: 185lbs
Total weight loss: 5lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 30lbs

Ok, before anyone politely tells me that safest way to lose weight is 1-2lbs a week; trust me, I know this. Also be reassured that I did not starve myself in the least bit. I attribute 5lbs in one week to a couple things:
1) I tend to fluctuate +/- 5lbs VERY easily. It's not hard for me to lose the first 5lbs. 
2) I was on the end of a visit from a rather annoying Aunt (wink wink) and I always gain weight when she is in town, so that also could have played a role in why I lost so much in just 1 week. 

Everyone can rest assured I am not set out to lose this weight as fast as possible. It's not so much about the number as it is about my over all health and how I feel. So far I feel great. If I begin to feel otherwise, I will definitely reevaluate how I'm doing things.

Well, as I said, I'm in bed and tired. So I shall bid you all farewell and goodnight. Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me in my quest to feel healthy again!

~ Mama Frenchy 
(I tried to preview this before I posted it but my preview page looked totally bonkers, then when I tried to reload it, it wouln'td reload. So fingers crossed this turned out fine, otherwise I'll fix it in the morning from my laptop)

i'm back... and i'm taking control.

I know I haven't been very consistent with my blog.  I was kind of afraid this would happen.  You see, when I begin to feel obligated to write my blog (an obligation that comes from my own mind... no one actually make me feel this way), I immediately don't want to.  So I don't.  That, on top of family and friends visiting in June/July, dealing with my husband's decision to quit his job in July, going on three mini-vacations in the month of August and my computer being out of commission for a couple weeks... wait, what was I writing about?  Oh yes, my excuses.  Basically, I've been very busy and when I take into account my list of priorities, this blog, unfortunately, is on the lower end.

But... I am back  (and hopefully with a little more consistency).  I am also taking control...

Taking control of what? you say, in eager anticipation.  

Well, I have decided I am tired of feeling embarrassed about my body, so I am doing something about it.  Friday night, after much thought, I joined Weight Watchers.  I had joined WW about a month after my son was born when I noticed that my post-baby weight loss was slowing down.  I was already weighing more than I was comfortable with when I found out I was pregnant, and after gaining 50lbs during my pregnancy, I knew I needed a little extra help.  I ended up losing all my baby weight plus 10lbs with the help of WW.  But... (there's always a but) I began to get really REALLY hungry when Jacob hit about 5 months, which was when he was nursing a lot; going through a growth spurt but not yet on solids. I was trying to stay within my points, but found myself struggling.  I'm sure if I had been smarter about food choices, I could have found more filling options, but I was a brand new mom that didn't always take the time I needed to plan healthy meals and soon decided that I would quite the program but still try to do it on my own.  Right, like that was going to happen.  Fast forward to 3 years later, and here I am.  Over weight and unhappy, because I know I can be healthier.

So Friday night I decided to take back control of my health, and I am hoping to use this blog to keep me accountable.  I am unhealthy and need to lose weight - that's just a fact.  I know I have had 2 kids, and I think women especially like to make each other feel better by saying things like, "But you've had 2 kids!  Of course you're not going to have a perfect body!", but having kids is no excuse for letting your health go.  I've seen women who have had babies and are rocking a bikini months later.  Do genetics have something to do with it?  Maybe a little, especially when it comes to stretch marks, but the reality is that those mamas can rock their bikinis because they work for it.  They eat healthy, they exercise.  I eat crap and sit on my couch wishing I were healthier.  But all that is changing.

I chose WW because it worked for me once, and I know it will again ESPECIALLY if I stick with it.  I have tried just "watching what I eat" but that usually lasts only a few days.  The unique thing about WW is a) you pay to join, which motivates you to do well, otherwise you're wasting your money (or at least it does for me), and b) you have to think about everything you eat, because everything has a value (except for most fruits and veggies).  I ate mindlessly before.  If I was hungry, I ate.  Sometimes it was healthy... sometimes it wasn't, but the majority of the time it was without thinking, which usually lead to overeating.  I could open a box of Wheat Thins and the next thing I knew, the box was almost empty.  With WW I need to consider what I am eating, how much I should eat, and if what I am eating is worth the points.  And hopefully, with writing about my weight loss journey on here, I will have extra motivation, because all 4 people who actually read this will be on pins and needles every week to see if I lost.  Ok, maybe not really, but in my head the entire internet will be waiting and watching... O.o

So that being said, while contemplating writing this blog, I was thinking, "Oh, maybe I'll just talk about my successes, struggles, maybe do a little weight loss updates... but there is NO WAY I will post my actual weight".  Honestly, it's embarrassing.  I think most people would be surprised with my start weight.  But I feel like if I want to be successful, people should know where I am.  So I am going to do what no women in their right mind would ever do: I am going to post my weight on the internet, for anyone to see.  Eeek... I think I almost passed out.  This isn't easy for me... but hopefully this will further motivate me, and who knows?  Maybe I'll inspire others.  Or maybe I'll just melt into a puddle of embarrassment.  We'll see.

Alright, here are my stats as of Friday, Sept 7th (I'll be weigh myself on Fridays).

Current Weight: 190.7lbs

Weight lost this week: n/a

Total weight lost: n/a

Goal weight: 155lbs

My before picture.  I haven't taken an official one (I'll try to do that this week) but this was taken a few weeks ago.  I am sucking my stomach in as much as possible and I still have some tummy spilling over the strap of my my friend's Ergo.  Oh my.

Well, there it is.  Let the melting begin...

~ Mama Frenchy

isn't she lovely?

My sweet baby girl is one today. I can't believe it's already been a year. It hasn't always been easy but it's been totally worth it. This is the story of her birth, which I wrote while still in the hospital. Again, I go into some detail, so if you're squirmish, don't read. Happy birthday baby girl!

Ok, well here is how it all started.  Monday night did what we could to get labor started (I won't go into details...)  The next morning I started having signs that something would be happening soon... again, I'll spare you the details.



Tuesday night I started getting irregular contractions that felt more like braxton hicks.  Not painful, and sporadic, but I was hoping it was doing something.  I ended up staying up until 2:30am cleaning our house because I just knew we wouldn't get the chance to the next day.  Wednesday morning I had a doctor appointment.  I told Justin, "I don't think we'll be coming back here today.  Make sure to pack everything you need for the hospital."  At my doctor appointment  I was only 1cm and he stretched me to a "soft 2cm".  I had no idea what that meant, and I was a little bummed I hadn't dilated more, but I was still convinced she would be here either that night or the next morning.We drove to my parent's house (where we had dropped off Jacob).  Justin, Jacob and I went out to lunch with my dad and brother.  I was contracting somewhat regularly and while they were stronger, they weren't painful.  Justin was convinced we needed to start timing when we finished lunch, but I didn't want to.  We walked all through out my parent's neighborhood - nearly an hour.  We went back and began timing.  I was averaging just over 5 min apart and just under 1 minute long.  I got tired and since my contractions weren't painful yet, I decided to nap.  After an hour, I woke up and we started timing again.  They were now 4min 20sec apart and about 1min 20sec long, but still not very painful, although I could feel them getting stronger.  I still didn't want to go but Justin was so insistent so I let him call my doctor.  They told me to head in, but I still didn't want to.  My husband started loading everything up while I ate something and then we left.  Oddly enough, my contractions pretty much stopped.  I started getting frustrated and so did Justin.  I didn't want to go, but he kept saying "the worst they can do is send us home."



We checked in around 5:45pm and they put us in a room with the best view.  I mean, it was incredible - this is only a part of the panoramic view we had.  I was thinking, "Oh man, I hope they admit me and we keep this room!"  The nurse checked me and I was *almost* 4cm.  They had me walk the floor for about 25-30 minutes, and during that time I got some contractions that were strong enough that I couldn't walk through them.  When I was checked again I was 4-5cm.  The nurse said they still hadn't gotten orders to admit me from my doctor, but she said it was very unlikely that I would be sent home (yes, I get my room!)  Eventually, around 9pm, they admitted me and started monitoring my contractions.  They were decent, but again, not too painful.  People started coming - my mom, dad, Justin's mom and aunt.  The randomly our good friend Glenn showed up, and shortly after him, my friend Tiffany.  It was kind of neat having them there (until I had to flip Glenn off for saying stupid thing... he he he).  My contractions started getting painful, but moaning through them made them manageable.  Then they decided to break my water.  I was a little hesitant, but I agreed to let them do it.  It was gross and there was a little meconium in it.  Then the fun began.  My pain level was at an all new level.  I could hardly take it, and I treasured my "breaks" in between (that were progressively getting shorter).  Although I once again was unsure about it, I decided to get an epidural.  The anesthesiologist came within 5 minutes and was super nice.  He even put up with Justin asking a million questions.  He said, "Wow... you have a scientist's mind.  You're extremely observant and ask me questions no one has ever asked before." Ha.  Good thing this guy had a great sense of humor :)



After the epidural I felt great.  I could still easily move my legs, but the pain was gone.  It was a good balance.  They checked me and I was an 8.  I was told "Let us know when you feel pressure on your bottom and we'll call the doctor to start pushing."  Well... almost immediately I started feeling some pressure but decided to wait to say anything because I wasn't sure if it was just the baby moving.  After about 10 or 15 minutes later I said, "Ok, I'm definitely feeling pressure".  So the nurse said she'd call my doctor.  That was at 1am.  A few minutes after that I was like, "Um... I need to push."  My nurse kept telling me I needed to wait for the doctor.  I started having to do relaxing breathing techniques and kept telling my body to relax because the urge to push was so great.  I was trying to convince the nurse we didn't need to wait, lol.  I was like, "you do all the work anyway... the doctor only really catches the baby..." lol.  Finally the doctor came, with sheet marks on his face and hair disheveled and at 1:30 I started pushing.  Immediately, with my first push, she was crowning.  Everyone yelled "Oh my gosh - look at all that hair!!"  I kept pushing, and got her head halfway out, but just couldn't get her out any further.  I started yelling "JUST GET HER HEAD OUT!!  GET IT OUT!!" lol.  My doctor kept trying to stretch me but I guess I finally started to tear, so he gave me an episiotomy.  At that point he could have punched me in the face and I wouldn't have cared, as long as it helped get her head out ;)  After the episiotomy, one good push and her head was out and I was like "Oh my gosh... that's so much better!!"  Then they said, "Ok, one last push for the body!"  So I pushed and at 1:36am, Jenna Lynne French was born!  (Yes... only 6 minutes of pushing!)  They put her immediately on my chest and she was beautiful.  I kept saying, "Her hands look big!" lol :)

In the room with me, I had Justin, my mom, Justin's mom, my Aunt/godmother and my friend Tiffany.  I wasn't planning on having all those people in there, but they were there so I said they could stay if they wanted.  My friend took the camera and took a bunch of what I call "action shots" (aka, crotch shots), but I'll spare you all those :)
After Jenna and I had some time together, they took her to clean her up and weigh her.  They weighed her in grams at first.  The nurse weighing said "4600 grams".  I have no concept of what that equals in pounds, but I looked at the other nurse's face as she entered it into the computer and her eyes got really big.  Then the other nurse said, "Ok, in pounds... 10lbs 2oz."  Everyone in the room said "OH MY GOSH!!!" And I said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?"  I honestly didn't believe it at first.



Still in shock at her weight, the measured her and she was 20in... a little meatball!  I got her back for my "golden hour" and by 2am she was latched on and nursing away.  Everyone was shocked and said, "Is he already nursing?!?"  I was like, "Uh... yeah..."  She's a big girl.  The kids gotta eat ;) 

Over all it was a great delivery and I don't regret any of the decisions I made.  We ended up spending the night in our delivery room because they were so full they had absolutely no rooms available.  Finally at 11:30am we got a recovery room.  I could go on and on about the ups and downs of the next couple days (lack of sleep + a constantly nursing baby = crazy mama), but I'll spare you all of that.  Jenna is here and I am SO excited to have her as part of our family.  Welcome to the world, Jenna bird :)

3 years ago today...

Three years ago today, my beautiful baby boy was born.  I can't believe he's 3.  I decided to share my birth story that I wrote shortly after having him.  My views on some aspects of the birthing process have changed a bit, but this is what I remembered and how I felt only a few weeks after Jake entered the world.  It was fun reading through it.  I'll go through and edit some of the most graphic details, but I will leave most as is... so fair warning, you're going to be reading about some of the not-so-pretty parts of the birthing process.  If that makes you uncomfortable, then don't read it.  You've been warned.

Enjoy!

"July 16th was my due date, and that morning started out like most mornings.  I had my 40 week doctor's appointment and got up to get ready for that.  I'm not going to lie, I was feeling pretty down this day.  It seemed like EVERYONE said I was going to go into labor before my due date, but here I was, 40 weeks pregnant, and nothing.  I had been "having signs" for the past week and a half, but even that had slowed down.  So I decided that even though I was feeling down, I wasn't going to look like I was feeling down.  I took a nice long shower, and did my hair and make up.  Justin and I went to my doctor appointment.  He said I was almost 3cm and ready to go at any point.  Actually, he said "the gun is loaded... the trigger is ready to be pulled at any moment".  Too bad I wasn't in charge of pulling that trigger!  He also swept my membranes, which really wasn't too painful.

We went home and I just relaxed as Justin worked on his most recent project on our home.  Around 3pm he said he needed to run some errands, so he went out and I stayed home, sitting on the couch and spending some time checking out cafemom and facebook on my laptop.  On cafemom, I was reading a post in my July 2009 group about ladies who kept peeing themselves because of the way the baby was pushing on them.  Sometime around 4, while Justin was still out, I felt uncomfortable and decided that maybe I should go to the bathroom.  I got up and went.  After I was done, I stood up and felt a little gush of fluid.  I honestly thought I had just peed myself, especially after reading all of those "I keep peeing myself" posts!  So I sat back down to try to empty my bladder more.  A little pee came out, so I figured I had finally gotten so huge that I had lost all control of my bladder.  I went back to the couch, and continued to check out CM and FB.  I would sit in one place, then move a little, and feel a little gush of fluid.  I would get up and go to the bathroom and sure enough I was able to pee a little every time.  I knew there was a chance my water had broken, but since there wasn't a lot coming out, I figured it was more likely that I was just peeing myself.  So I changed and put on one of the jumbo pads I had bought for the post pardom bleeding, and waited for Justin to get home.

He came home and I told him what was going on.  He was thinking it was my water that had broken, but I told him that I thought I was just peeing myself.  Plus, I wasn't having any contractions.  We had plans to go out to dinner with our parents for Italian food, and decided we would still meet them for dinner, but not tell them about my little situation :)  When we got to the restaurant I was still "peeing" myself and had to excuse myself to use the bathroom a couple of times.  The funny thing was, every time I went to the bathroom, I was always able to go.  I was so confused - I honestly had no idea what was going on.  During dinner I didn't have much of an appetite and started feeling really uncomfortable sitting in that chair.  My back was hurting and all I wanted to do was go home and relax.  Justin wanted to go downtown for dessert and I was like "Um, no.  I want to go home".  So after dinner, we headed home.  On the car ride home, at exactly 8pm, right as my husband was saying that he thought I was in labor, I said "Uhh... something weird is happening".  My back hurt even more and it felt like I was getting a bad gas pain.  It lasted for 30-40 seconds.  Justin was sure that it was a contraction and began timing.  It was happening every 6-7 minutes.

When we got home, we decided to go on a walk to see if I was getting contractions, or if it was just a little after dinner gas.  Walking around was very uncomfortable and everything Justin was doing seemed to annoy me.  He would stop, look at someone's house, make comments about it, and I was like "Can we please just keep walking and not stop every 5 feet??"  Finally after 30 minutes of walking, I was over it and just wanted to go home and recline on the couch.  So that's exactly what I did.  Justin started doing little things around the house, like doing some dishes and picking up a bit, and I timed my "gas pains" with an online contraction timer.  They were now between 4 & 5 minutes apart and were about 1 minute long,  They were very regular, and I kept gushing fluid here and there.  Ok, I know at this point it seems very obvious I was in labor, but I was so afraid of going to L&D and being told it was pee and gas, and to come back when I was really in labor.  But around 9:30pm. my gas was getting intense and my back was killing me, so we decided to call my doctor.  He had originally told me to call when contractions were between 10 & 15 minutes apart. When I told him what was going on, he told me to head in.  So Justin took a quick shower, and around 10pm we headed to the hospital.

On the way there I continued getting "pains" and they were getting more intense.  We got in a room right away and I was hooked up to a monitor and sure enough, I was having contractions,  The nurse checked me and I was at 4cm.  She also checked to see if it really was my water that had broken, and sure enough, that's what all those little gushes were :)  At one point, she was checking to see how dilated I was and a ton of water gushed out - it was like someone poured a bucket of water out of me.  Justin said there was A LOT of fluid.  Had that happeend earlier, I would have definitely known it was my water, lol.  My nurse said I could get an epidural if I wanted (it was around 10;30pm) but I said I wanted to see how long I could go without one.  We began calling family and letting people know I was in labor.  Soon, my mom, dad, mother in law, sister, aunt, and my good friend all showed up in my labor and delivery room.  My contractions were getting a little more intense and when I would have one, everyone would stop talking and look at me.  I was like "Could you please just keep talking??  It keeps my mind off of the pain".

Sometime around 12am (I think... at this point my frame of reference starts getting a little fuzzy) the nurse came to check me again.  I was at 5cm.  I don't know what happened but after that my contractions started getting super intense and I felt like my lower back/tailbone was going to break off.  It was horrible.  Finally at 1am I said "Ok, put me on the list for an epidural... I might be wanting one soon."  They had said it would be an hour or so because the anesthesiologist was in a c-section.  I said that was fine because I still wasn't 100% sure I wanted the epidural.  Well, after that hour I was begging for the epidural.  During contractions I would cry out "epidural ladyyyyyyyyyy!"  I think I traumatized my poor sister... now she never wants kids, lol.  At this point my contractions were 1 minute long and only 30 seconds apart and I was 8cm.  After an hour and a half, I asked about the epidural and another woman was getting it done and I was up next.  Around 3 it was finally my turn.  I began crying a little because I felt like I was a failure.  I wanted so bad to make it without one, but the pain was so intense I couldn't stand it anymore.  I was having some gnarly back labor and couldn't take the pain anymore.  The anesthesiologist came in and I was so happy to see her.  I told her she was my new best friend, lol!  At this point my contractions were on top of each other,  Before one would even end, the other was starting again.  I wasn't getting any rest in between.  My nurse was even saying "I'm so sorry honey, I know this is so hard.  You aren't getting any breaks!".  (By the way, I had the most amazing labor and delivery nurse ever. She was my age, super sweet, and after talking to her for a while we found out that she too was a Christian.)

Finally I began to get my epidural.  I don't know what hurt worse, the contractions or the epidural.  It was SO painful.  I needed a distraction and for some reason began singing "I love You Lord and I lift my voice, to worship You oh my soul, rejoice.  Take joy my King, in what You hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear" over and over again.  Well let me tell you, the noise coming from me wasn't a very sweet, sweet sound, but it seemed to work.  It relaxed me more than I had been the entire labor.  It makes me wonder if I had kept that up, would I have been able to make it without an epidural?    But I was still in a lot of pain and something about it just didn't feel right.  Even though the epidural was now in, the epidural site still hurt really bad and I wasn't feeling any relief.  After about 20 minutes of no relief, the anesthesiologist said "I don't like this at all.  You should have some relief by now.  We're taking it out and doing it again."  I began crying because I was afraid maybe epidurals wouldn't work on me.  My nurse kept telling me it would be ok.  I kept singing the same lines, over and over again.  I went through another painful epidural, but this time it worked!  They started asking me if it was working and I said "I think so... I THINK I'm having a contraction right now..."  they laughed and said "yeah, it's working."  I finally began to relax and my nurse said "I was praying for you the whole time!  You did such a good job!"  Like I said, she was amazing!

After that, I felt so much better.  I could still feel my contractions, but they weren't painful, just a tightening feeling.  I was also able to better enjoy my company and even doze off for a bit.  Apaprently at one point the baby and I were getting a little too relaxed and I needed a little oxygen to wake up the baby a bit.  Around 6am they decided that it would be time to push soon.  Everyone was kicked out of my room (except for Justin), and at 6:20am, I began to push.  One of my fears was pooping while I pushed... and I kept trying to not poop while I pushed, but finally decided that it was hindering my pushing abilities so said "screw it!" and began pushing with everything in me.  I liked that I could still feel what was going on, it just wasn't as intense.  After a little over an hour of pushing, they called my doctor and he was in there within 5 minutes.  Now things started getting serious.

I kept pushing and pushing.  When the head was crowning I could feel that I was tearing.  It was fairly painful, even with the epidural.  Then my doctor began giving me an episiotomy, which also didn't feel to pleasant.  At the time I didn't really care though, I just wanted the baby out.  (Afterwards, I had asked him about it and he said I began tearing up as well, which is why he decided to give me the episiotomy - so I wouldn't tear up anymore... but for those of you wondering, no, he didn't ask me if I wanted one.)  Then I gave a really big push, with a scream, and his head came out.  He grabbed my baby's head and said "Sarah, look at your baby" and turned his head to look at me.  I couldn't actually see him, but Justin said it was really funny, because I had a head sticking out on both ends, lol.  Justin is weird like that ;)  I then gave another hard push and at 8:03am the rest of his body came out.  The feeling of him leaving my body was incredible.  They laid him on top of me and I met my little Jacob for the first time.  It was so awesome - such a holy moment.  I kept crying "My baby, my baby!"  My husband got to cut the cord and after they cleaned him up and weighed him (9lbs 4oz, 20.5in), they placed him on my chest and he stayed there for almost an hour. 

During this time my doctor was stitching me up - and I felt every stitch.  I told him that I felt it and he said we could wait and I could get numbed but at that point I just wanted it to be over with so I told him to just finish it.  I swear it took forever for him to stitch me up!  But I didn't care.  Nothing mattered  - I didn't care about anything but my husband and our new little boy.

When our family and friends finally came back in (our group had grown a little), it was like the paparazzi arrived!  Cameras were going off everywhere.  It was so nice having them all there... everyone was so excited.  I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying.  And it's true what they say about labor - that you forget all of the hard stuff as soon as the baby is born.  I remember thinking how horrible labor was and how I never want to experience this again while I was in labor, but as soon as Jacob came out, I forgot all about that and would have gone through it again in a heartbeat.  It was really an amazing experience.

I am so thankful that I had such a "normal" birthing experience.  Nothing scary happened, no complications, and no need for pitocin!! (That was a goal of mine - not NOT use pitocin.  Nurses were amazed that I didn't need any.  I think it's because I held off on the epidural for as long as I did).  I felt like my 12 hour labor went by fairly fast, and although the healing part hasn't been fun, it hasn't been that bad either.  The first week after Jacob was born had so many ups and downs for me.  At times I still can't believe that he is here and that he is ours, but I also can't imagine life without him anymore.  It really puts into perspective what God must have gone through giving up His son for us.  I honestly don't think I could do it.  I would do anything to protect my son.  I love being a mom... words can't describe  the experience of motherhood or the feelings I have for my little guy."