weeks 10 & 11: it's not you, it's me

I know I've been horrible at updating.  I'd like to use the excuse that I have been so super busy that I haven't had time, but the truth is I do have the time, I'm just a slacker ;)

Let's just go straight to the good stuff, shall we?

Week 10

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 172.8lbs
Saturday's weigh in: 170lbs (weighed in a day late... again)
Pounds to goal weight: 15lbs

Week 11
The day after Thanksgiving?  Ha, I think not.  I'm still relishing in the fact that I have hit the 20lb mark.  Yes, that's 20lbs!!!  (<-- that totally deserved 3 exclamation points)

So I must say, I am so happy to reach this 20lb mark.  It really makes me realize that I am doing something right.  I love being able to fit into my old clothes.  20lbs ago, I struggled almost every day figuring out what I could wear because nothing fit.  I decided that rather than investing my time and money into buying new clothes, I'd invest my time and money into making a healthier me.

So here I am, 15lbs to my goal, entering one of the hardest seasons for eating healthy.  While I am not going to take a break from trying to be as healthy as I can be, I am going to be taking a break from blogging about my weight loss.  I'm sure I'll pop in from time to time to say hi to the 3 people who read this (yay, I gained a fan!), but right now I'm going to relieve myself of the stress of having to post my weight for the world to see for the next month or so.  I promise I won't just give up and binge on fudge and sugar cookies all season long.  I'm actually enjoying this healthier eating - I love the way it makes me feel and I LOVE wearing my old clothes again.  It's just a little break.  It's not you, it's me.  I'll be back soon, I promise.

With that, I hope you all are enjoying a wonderful holiday season!

weeks 8 & 9: tricks and treats

Sorry for being behind on this.  I was going to say I have been super busy, but really, that's a lie.  I've just been lazy, ha ha.

It has been a difficult 2 weeks.  I've had treats in my house and am constantly cheating.  I'll do well during the day, but at night I begin to graze and snack on things I shouldn't be eating, and I don't bother tracking those items.  Luckily, now, all of the candy is gone, and just yesterday I took the remaining Pumpkin Spice Ice Cream that I have been eating almost every night for the past week and dumped it down the sink.  It's too much of a temptation and I can't have it in the house.  That's been the biggest epiphany these past two weeks: I can't handle temptation.  If it's in my house, I WILL eat it.  So, two big lessons learned these past two weeks:

1) Cheating only hurts me.  I'ts not like I'm fooling anyone.
2) If I allow junk in my house, I will eat it.  So no junk.

As for the rest of this post, I thought I'd give my results of the past two weeks and then do a little "What's Been On My Plate" series of some of my more healthier choices.  I left pictures the of ice cream and candy out, ha ha.  So here are my results:


Week 8
Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 174lbs
Friday's weigh in: 172.8lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 17.8lbs

Week 9

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 172.8lbs
Saturday's weigh in: 172.6lbs (weighed in a day late)
Pounds to goal weight: 17.6lbs

While I still lost, week 9's loss was almost negligible, but still a lost technically.  I'm trying to step up my game so my weight loss is pounds, not ounces.  More healthy choices, less junk!

Alright, here is my "What's Been On My Plate" section.  Not every meal is picture worthy, but these are a few that I felt were good, healthy options:

Spinach, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, basil and

crumbled veggie sausage over egg whites.

Egg whites with sauteed spinach and onions, veggie

sausage and fruit.

Spaghetti squash with marinara.

Green smoothie with spinach, kale, blueberries, 

banana, raspberries and greek yogurt.

Egg whites with sauteed spinach and onions, with left

over roasted veggies from the night before, fruit and

green tea.

Tuna salad with low fat mayo over a bed of lettuce,

cucumber on a whole wheat tortilla.

Here is a snapshot of my progress!

the great D-MERge

As I was contemplating writing this blog, I was trying to come up with a witty title.  I honesty thought I had made up a cool word, but the word "demerge" is, in fact, a real word that means to separate a company from another with which it was previously merged.  Oddly enough, this word fits quite well with the subject of this blog.

Some of you may have noticed that I spelled "dermege" wrong in my title.  You probably have also guessed that it was done on purpose.  You, my friend, are one smart cookie.  You see, while demerge may be a business term, I am using it to describe the current relationship between Jenna and myself; more specifically, our breast feeding relationship.  And this choice to "demerge" has been heavily influenced by something called D-MER.  What is D-MER, you ask? Let me start from the beginning.

When my son was born I was more than determined to breast feed exclusively.  My thought then and still today is that breast feeding is the normal and healthy choice for a mom and baby, and that formula was only an option if there were some serious issues happening that were beyond my control.  Luckily, I was blessed with an abundant supply and after the initial few weeks of pain, I thought things would be smooth sailing. And in one sense they were.  My son was thriving, my supply was great... but something still felt off.  Something that was hard to describe or understand. Every time I nursed my son, I felt... well, weird.  I got this intense homesick feeling. It was like I was extremely sad for no reason.  Often times I would find myself crying when I nursed him but I wasn't sure why.   I would also get very nauseous, to the point that in the beginning I thought I was actually going to get sick.  This happened every time I nursed.

At first, I thought it was postpartum depression.  I figured my hormones from birth were still out of wack, so maybe those feelings were tied to that. After a few months, though, I began to wonder what was going on with me.  I had read numerous times that breast feeding was such a wonderful experience.  That our body releases hormones during the process that gives us those warm, fuzzy feelings... that it was one of the closest, most inmate times a mother and baby could have.  But it felt the opposite for me.  I felt sad, upset, nauseous... no warm fuzzies for this mama.  So I finally reached out to an online breast feeding group.  I felt almost silly when I was describing it and I thought for sure they'd tell me I was crazy, so I was shocked when a few ladies told me to look up D-MER, because it seemed to describe what I was feeling.

So I looked up this site and after reading it, I just sat there, amazed.  It was like someone had described EXACTLY what I felt, more specifically, the "despondency" category of D-MER.  This is a little piece from that website describing what I felt:

"Despondency D-MER
This is the most common experience on the spectrum. The words and phrases most commonly used are the mother having:
A sensation of a pit/hollowness or sinking in the stomach
Sadness
An urge to 'get away'
General negative emotions
Feelings of being hopeless
Feelings of being apprehensive"

For me, add nausea to that and it basically describes how I felt.  I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy, that it wasn't PPD and it would eventually subside, which it did.  I wouldn't say it went entirely away (especially the nausea part) but it did subside greatly.  By 16 months, the age in which my son weaned, it was hardly an issue.

When my daughter was born, I was praying I wouldn't experience D-MER again, but at least I was a little prepared. Unfortunately, though, it came back in full force.  The feeling was much more intense than with my son. I cried almost every time we nursed.  I couldn't help but think of horribly depressing things, like what if I died, or my husband died or one of my children died. I began dreading every nursing, especially the evening/night ones.  Those were the worst.  I was alone, in the dark, and they usually lasted the longest, which meant multiple letdowns, and as a result, multiple intense feelings of sadness.  I've always been a huge advocate of breast feeding, so I hate to admit that at this point in my life, I pretty much hated breast feeding.  I wanted to give up and use formula or donated milk badly.  But those negative feelings towards breast feeding weren't always there - it only happened while I nursed my daughter.  Sometimes after an intense nursing session, I'd look back only a few minutes later and think I was so silly for thinking those things.  It's like a Jekyll and Hyde experience.

As time went on, and the feelings weren't really subsiding like they did with my son, I began to realize that if I wanted to continue breast feeding, I needed to make some changes.  I realized several important factors that made a nursing session more manageable:

1) Nursing around others.
While the negative feelings were still there, I have found that if I am surround by people, I am distracted in a good way and I focus less on those negative feelings.  On occasion I have had people ask me if I was ok because of the look on my face while I nurse, but for the most part I could nurse around others and they would have no idea what was going on inside my head.

2) Eating.
I get nausea while nursing, but I noticed the intensity of the nausea was tied to how full or hungry I was.  If I ate a large meal, then nursed, I felt awful.  If I was super hungry and nursed, I felt awful.  So making sure I had a little to eat and doing my best to not nurse after a full meal helped greatly.

3) Distractions.
My phone has been a life saver.  The distractions an IPhone can provide are basically limitless.  So distracting myself with Facebook, Instagram or whatever game I am currently addicted to has really helped.  The more distracted I am, the less intense the feelings are.

4) Intentional positive thinking.
I began to realize that while the negative feelings I had were intense and automatic, I could still choose to think about positive things.  So I began to intentionally think about good things, and often times talk out loud to my daughter.  I would pray for her, tell her how much I loved her, talk about my favorite parts of the day or things I looked forward to in the future.  I would force myself to reminisce about good times, like family vacations in Iowa, my wedding, the births of my children.  I would sing praise songs. Anything to keep me focused on something positive.

5) Sleep.
D-MER aside, my emotional well being is directly tied to the amount of sleep I get.  I notice than when I have been consistently sleep deprived, my ability to cope with stress decreases immensely.  Throw the negative feelings of D-MER in with an extremely sleep deprived mama, and you're looking at a guaranteed intense nursing session.  While I couldn't always control the amount of sleep I got (thanks to a baby who needed to nurse every 2-3 hours for the first 10-12 months of her life), I could remind myself that I am especially tired, and that my distractions and positive thinking needed to be even more intentional.

After the first few months, I was doing as much of the above as possible to make my nursing sessions as bearable as possible.  I had remembered with my son that the 5-6 month mark is when things began to subside.  So I kept telling myself that I just needed to make it to 6 months and things would get better.  When month 6 rolled around and not much had changed, I began to get a little worried.  Even though I was doing my best to cope with D-MER, it wasn't easy.  I began to feel hopeless.  It was hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When the 12 month mark hit, 2 things were clear: my daughter was nowhere near ready to wean on her own and my D-MER, while slightly less intense, was not going away like it did with my son.  I felt like I was stuck.  I started to resent my breast feeding relationship with my daughter while feeling extremely guilty about the resentment.  Every nursing session I had was a struggle.  I was tired of trying so hard to make things work.  Around 13 months I decided to start the weaning process.  It has not been easy or fun.  Even now as I write this tears are streaming down my face because this hasn't been an easy decision.  I feel horrible for taking something away from my daughter that she loves so much.  The guilt I feel is overwhelming at times, but I feel like it needs to be done.  I'm tired of the emotional struggles of breastfeeding.

My daughter turned 15 months a few days ago, and she is almost fully weaned.  This weekend I will be away from her and I'm guessing the weaning process will be done by Sunday.  I feel relieved and grief ridden at the same time.  It's been a long and extremely emotional journey.  It is likely my last breast feeding journey, which also saddens me.

I guess the point in writing this was partly to help people understand what I'm going through, but mostly for me to try to process this whole experience.  I'm still struggling with knowing if I am making the right decision.  It's been weighing on my heart and I needed to share it.  Nothing about this process has been easy.  Ideally I would have let my daughter wean on her own terms.  I wish I could just ignore the feelings I get when we nurse, but I can't and  tired of them.

Before I end, I would like to note that never once did I feel negative feelings toward my kids while nursing, nor did I have negative feelings toward myself or thoughts of self harm, suicide or harming my children.  If that had been the case, I would have sought professional help and would strongly encourage anyone who does feel those feelings to so the same.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my breast feeding journey and thank you to so many of you who have been a support along the way.

And dear, sweet daughter.  I love you so much. I'm sorry I'm taking away something you love so dearly, but mama needs a break.  I'm not upset with you - you've done everything perfectly.  I'm still here for you.  My hugs, kisses and cuddles for you will never run out.  I love you, little birdie, and nothing will ever change that.

Love,
Mama Frenchy

The moment it all began.  So bittersweet.

week 7: my week of struggles

This week was a rough week, as I blogged about earlier.  I had a big cheater day, and the other days weren't that much better.  Part of my issue was that I had not been to the grocery store yet and was very low on fresh fruits and veggies.  The other issue... was a womanly one.  The kind that tells my brain "Eat chocolate.  Lots and lots of chocolate."  And the only way to shut it up is to eat the dang chocolate.

But... I made a Costco run and stocked up on fruits and veggies, the trick-or-treaters will be taking away the candy soon and this week is a new week.  I can start over and make better choices.  Tomorrow.  Because tonight I might have most definitely did dip back into the Halloween candy.  Shhhhh... if you don't tell, I won't tell.  My thighs might try to say something though.

Ok, onto my weigh in.  Like I said, rough week but not totally devastating.  Here we go:

Start weight: 190.7lbs (<-- never going back here!)
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 174.4lbs
Friday's weigh in: 174lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 19lbs

So not a huge loss, but a loss none the less!  On to this next week!

Sorry for keeping everyone waiting!

cheater, cheater, junk food eater

I cheated big time last night.

Big time.

It was dinner time, and I was out an about with my kids.  I called my husband to let him know I was coming home.  He said, "Hey, do you just want to make life easier and pick something up for us?"

Ok, I knew in my head that I had about 8 points left for the day.  There isn't much you can get at a fast food place that is satisfying and only 8 points.  I told him maybe I'd grab something for him and the kids, but not for me (see, I started out with good intentions!)  He decided on Taco Bell, so I headed over there.  As I was in the drive through, I noticed their new cantina bowls.  They looked healthy, AND there was a veggie option, so I ordered that for myself.  Once I got home and actually began eating it, I quickly realized 2 things: 1) "veggie" just means they leave off the meat... there are no actually veggies on it other than the corn salsa and pico de gallo, and 2) that this item was definitely not as healthy as the picture lead me to believe.  Note to self: just because something has lettuce does not mean it will be healthy.

But of course, I ate it anyway.  All of it.  It was pretty tasty...

And then I ate my daughter's cheese roll up.  Because she wouldn't eat it.

And then I ate the extra cheese roll up that I thought my son would like but didn't touch.

Oh, and did I mention I stole my husband's nacho cheese sauce and dipped both cheese roll ups in it?  Yeah, that happened.

Right now you're probably saying, "Well... that's not TOO bad.  Everyone can cheat a little every once in a while.  Don't be so hard on yourself."

You're too kind, but unfortunately it doesn't stop there.  An hour later I started craving something sweet.  The Halloween candy that I bought Monday night was calling to me.  Normally, I try to buy stuff I don't like. And I mostly did this time... but there was a bag of fun size Milky Way bars just calling my name.  I mean, come on, they're FUN size.  Fun.  I love fun.  And chocolate.  So I took a handful.  And then another handful... and another.  And quite possibly another.

Oh, and the best part?  I definitely didn't track any of this.

This is an all time low for me in my journey to being healthier, which is why I am writing about it right now.  I'm not perfect.  I'm trying to do my best, but as someone much greater than I once said, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."  I've decided not to dwell on this.  I'm moving past this, and I will do better the rest of this week.

PHEW... so good to get that all off my chest.  I guess we'll see what Friday has in store for me soon!

week 6: a day late

Forgive me for being a day late.  I was in San Diego Thursday night and Friday morning so I weighed on this morning rather than Friday morning.

This past week I was CERTAIN I gained.  In fact, I even cheated and weighed myself on Tuesday and I was almost 1lb heavier.  So I tried to be good, but I found myself hitting my points every day and usually spilling over into my weekly points.  I ended up using every single on of my weekly allowance points, actually!  After Tuesday, though, I was better about making healthier choices.  So towards the end of my week, even though I was going over my daily limit, I was doing it with better food choices.  I guess I was just extra hungry this week.

I was actually really nervous about weighing myself this morning.  Last night I had pizza and cookies, lol.  I know, I know, not the healthiest of choices.  It's not something I do often now.  So this morning, before I stepped on the scale, I had already mentally prepped myself with the "Everyone has ups and downs... this is only a little speed bump in my road to weight loss" speech.  I stepped on the scale, and here are my results:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weightL 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 177.2
Today's weigh in: 174.4
Total weight loss: 16.3
Pounds to goal weight: 19.4lbs

I lost, and much more than I could have anticipated!  This has motivated me to try even harder this week.  I've also decided that once I hit 20lbs lost, I'm gong to treat myself to something special.  Maybe a hair cut or a new pair of jeans.  I haven't decided yet, but that's my motivation to stay on a good path.  Well, that and the fact that I'm actually losing weight.

I'd love to hear if I have motivated anyone to make healthier decisions!  Please feel free to leave me a comment or message me on Facebook!  Hearing that I have inspired someone give me even extra motivation to keep going.  Also, please share your tips and tricks to healthier eating.  I'd love to hear them!  Thanks again for all your support!

~Mama Frenchy

week 5: always on the go

As my title states, I was on the go a lot this week.  I felt like I had 10 errands to run every day.  My poor kids were dragged all around town.  At one point on Thursday, my son asked, "Can I go to my home now?"  He he... poor kid!

I've also had a few occasions where I ate out as well.  In the past I have always used eating out as an excuse to eat whatever I want.  Hey, we're out, this is special, so who cares if my entree is nearly all the calories 1 person needs in a day, right?  Wrong.  Well, most of the time that's wrong.  I don't think a person needs to deprive themselves all the time, especially if it really is a special occasion, but learning how to eat healthy even when you're out is so important when you're trying to change your health habits.  So I swapped out fries for fruit, drank water instead of lemonade and traded my usual burger buns for lettuce.  My food still tastes great, it's still filling and I don't walk away with regret.  Yay for healthy choices!

While I have been doing better in some areas, there are still areas I need to work on, namely my night eating and my lack of exercise.  I can't seem to break this habit of eating at night... my snack choices are changing, but the snacking still continues.  Perhaps I should just go to bed early... more sleep for me and no opportunity to snack (says the girl who is up writing her blog at 1am).  And yes, exercise.  I need to find something that works for me and my crazy schedule...

Ok, baby girl is crying, so lets get to the good stuff:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 178.2lbs
Today's (well, Friday's) weigh in: 177.2
Total weight loss: 13.5lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 22.2lbs

I lost a pound and I'll take it!  Ok, off to try to get little girl back to bed!!  Good night!

week 4: it's been a long week

Well, this week was a long week.  From locking my kids in the car, to getting an average of 3 hours of sleep a night due to a teething baby, and then attending my Grandma's wake and funeral, I am EXHAUSTED!

With that, I'm keeping this week's post short and sweet.  Here are this weeks results:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 179.4lbs
Today's weigh in: 178.2lbs
Total weight loss: 12.5lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 23.2lbs

Yay!  Another success!  1.2lbs... although I think I gained it all back and then some after the day I had today!  Italians know how to feed a crowd ;)  Guess I'm going to have to be extra good this week to make up for it.  I'm actually not that worried.  I've been doing so well and I know this week is going to be great.

Here is a quick picture I snapped of myself today at my Uncle's house during the reception after my Grandma's service.  I fit in my old skirt!  Yay!

Thanks again for all your support!

~Mama Frenchy

week 3: ups and downs

Well, I didn't have high hopes for this week.  I admittedly did not have very good eating habits.  I would find myself so busy during the day that I wasn't taking the time to eat when I needed to and once again, found myself getting hungry at night.  Several days I went over my daily allowance of Weight Watcher points, although I never went over my weekly allowance.  And I know I could have made better choices.

Also... this week was the fun week leading up to my monthly visitor who showed up right on schedule today.  I feel bloated, hungry, and crave salts and sweets when this lovely visitor arrives.  My entire life I have always gained weight when this happens (usually only a couple pounds).  So knowing I had that working against me didn't give me much hope.

And I'm not going to lie.  I had ice cream, like, 4 times this week.  I hate my husband for buying it.  Not really.  But kind of.  And I *might* be eating some right now  >.<

One thing that I had working for me, however, was the fact that my daughter was nursing like crazy this week.  You see, with Weight Watchers, if you're a nursing mom, you're allowed extra points because breast feeding burns calories.  When I signed up, I debated signing up as a nursing mom or not.  I decided against it because at that point, it seemed like she was weaning and her nursing was short and infrequent.  Maybe once or twice a day for a couple minutes, and once or twice at night.  Well this week she has been having some tummy issues and had gone back to primarily nursing.  Which means extra calories burned for me.

Alright, with all that said, here are my results:

Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 183lbs
Today's weigh in: 179.4
Total weight loss: 11.3lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 24.4

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale.  I actually got off, reset it, and weighed myself again because I thought it was off.  Nope - it was right the first time.  I'll take it!  I have to say, with everything that was going against me this week, I think Jenna nursing so much is what caused me to lose so much weight.  I think my plan will be to let her go a few more days like this, but if the nursing keeps up, I might start factoring that into my Weight Watchers points.  We'll see what the next few days bring us.

Sorry to take so long to get this out.  It's been a crazy day !

~ Mama Frenchy

yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail...

...and mortal life shall cease;

I shall possess, within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

This Sunday was a pretty typical Sunday for our family.  Church in the morning, a little football, lunch with some good friends, a little more football...

And then a phone call.

Anytime I get a phone call in the evening or at night, I always suspect that it's something bad.  I wouldn't say that in general I am a pessimist, but pretty much every "bad" phone call I have received has happened when the sun goes down.  So when our home phone rang, my first thought was "Uh oh".  Most of the time I am wrong in my assumption that it will be bad news, but this time, I wasn't.

My dad was on the other end, and after asking me how everyone was doing, informed me that my grandmother, Nana, passed away this evening.  She was breathing at 4pm, and wasn't the next time her caretakers checked on her at 6pm.

After a few tears, I decided to go over to her house to say goodbye.  My husband stayed home with the kids.  When I arrived, a few family members were there.  The smooth voice of Dean Martin was softly serenading her as she was lying in her bed, looking just as though she had fallen asleep.  I have seen a few people after they have passed and one thing always strikes me... how different a person looks after their soul leaves their body.  It's amazing how we are so much more than our physical bodies.

I have so much I could write about Nana.  From our weekly Sunday night dinners complete with spaghetti, meatballs, homemade bread and chocolate cake, to her yelling at her sons in Italian - she was a pivotal person in our family, and the memories she has given us will be cherished.

While I am sad she has left this earth, part of me rejoices.  She had been on a decline for a while.  I watched the Nana I knew as a child slowly slip away.  It's hard to watch... it's hard when your grandma forgets who you are.  I know it's not her fault, and I'm sure it was frustrating for her, but it broke my heart seeing her look at me, my cousins, even her own children with a look of confusion on her face.  And towards the end, the majority of her days were spent sleeping in her bed, barely eating.  That's no life for a person, especially for someone like Nana who was always so full of life.  So while I am sad she is gone, I've actually been grieving the loss of my grandma for a while now.  Knowing that she is now free is almost a relief.  I know she is with her Savior now, and for that, I rejoice.

I thank you all ahead of time for your condolences.  Even though this has been something we have been anticipating for a while, it's always hard to say goodbye, so your prayers for my family would be appreciated.  For those of you who are close to my family and are interested in attending her service, I'm sure I will be posting information about that on my facebook once we have that finalized.

Goodbye, Nana!  You will be missed!

~ Mama Frenchy

week 2: nachos, pizza, burritos, oh my!

As you can see by my title... this week wasn't the healthiest of weeks for me as far as food choices.  I found myself out a lot with little healthy choices OR catering to my husbands cravings rather than listening to my healthy little shoulder angel.  And... let's face it.  I like junk food.  Obviously.  Otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.  Luckily, though, even though I ate a few crappy meals, I was still able to stay under my points for the week.  But I did learn some valuable insights into my journey to better health:

1) Crappy food, even when eaten in moderation and within my "points", makes me feel crappy and leaves me hungry.  I've also noticed it's much saltier than I remember it being.  AND... it makes my stomach all bloated.  So seeing how much even small amounts of crappy food affects me is making it easier to say no.  Like last night.  When my husband yet again ordered pizza (I swear he is out to sabotage me... ok, not really, but he obviously isn't on board with the whole "healthy eating" thing).

2) I like to eat at night.  Like, a lot.  It has become a habit.  Get the kids to bed, sit down, watch Big Bang Theory, mindlessly eat snacks.  And I LOVE doing this.  About halfway through my week I suddenly realized how much of a habit this is for me and how badly I need to work on it.  So next week's goal: Eat more through out the day and not at night.  No more food past 8pm (I now that's still a little late, but baby steps here, people).

3) I need to go to the grocery store more.  Between myself and the kids, we go through fruits and veggies much faster than I realized.  And when those get low, I find myself scrounging around for something satisfying but not a ton of points.  And I'm sorry, but 10 wheat thins is just not satisfying. So more frequent trips to the store is a must if I want to keep healthy options around the house.

Alright, let's get down to the good stuff.  Did I lose weight?  Like I said... I didn't do great this week as far as making healthy choices, but I did stay under my points.  So here are my results:


Start weight: 190.7lbs
Goal weight: 155lbs
Last week's weigh in: 185lbs
Today's weigh in: 183lbs
Total weight loss: 7lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 28lbs

2lbs!  Yes!  My goal keeps getting closer and closer.  I've even noticed that my clothes are starting to fit a little better... and I don't whine to my husband that I have nothing to wear because I'm too big for everything ;)  Thanks to everyone who have been encouraging me in this!  It means a lot.  I still freak out a little every time someone mentions the fact that I'm posting my weight on the internet.  This is NOT an easy thing for me.  I don't even like to tell my husband how much I weigh.  But as I have said, I am hoping that by laying it all out there for everyone to see, I will be even more motivated to get healthier.

Ok... off to snack on some fruit.  Happy Friday, everyone!

~Mama Frenchy

week one: the battle has begun

Well, I realize a few people actually read my blog and want to know what week 1's results are. I wasn't planning on writing a blog tonight because I'm tired and already in bed, listening to the snores of my husband. BUT... Then I started feeling guilty that there were 2 fans out there anxiously awaiting my weigh in results. So I figured, "Well... I could write a quick blog from my phone..." So here I am. Blogging. In bed. On an iPhone.

Before I give my update, I'll give a little insight to my first week of Weight Watchers. I found myself really thinking about what I ate. I never realized how much I snacked during the day - and not healthy snacking either. I also never realized how much I snacked off my kids snacks! Like, if they didn't finish something, I'd finish it off OR... I'd intentionally make too much of something so I could eat some too. So for this week, I thought about everything that was going into my mouth, switched out the crackers and chips for some yummy fruit and avoided drinking empty calories as much as possible (something else I was always guilty of). I felt good all week - I never starved myself and always felt satisfied. I also contribute my healthier eating habits to not catching whatever dreadful cold my husband had for 3 days. I felt good about my choices and good about myself. I knew I wasn't eating crap, so I didn't feel like crap (funny how that works, huh?).  I also never felt deprived myself or felt like I was dieting. And having the WW app on my phone makes tracking points much easier and less of a hassle than I was expecting. 

Ok, on to some numbers. I've already embarrassed myself once with my horrifying start weight... So why not just keep it up, right? ;)

Start weight: 190.7lbs (I think... I'll have to look at the first post... I know it was 190.something...)
Goal weight: 155lbs
Today's weigh in: 185lbs
Total weight loss: 5lbs
Pounds to goal weight: 30lbs

Ok, before anyone politely tells me that safest way to lose weight is 1-2lbs a week; trust me, I know this. Also be reassured that I did not starve myself in the least bit. I attribute 5lbs in one week to a couple things:
1) I tend to fluctuate +/- 5lbs VERY easily. It's not hard for me to lose the first 5lbs. 
2) I was on the end of a visit from a rather annoying Aunt (wink wink) and I always gain weight when she is in town, so that also could have played a role in why I lost so much in just 1 week. 

Everyone can rest assured I am not set out to lose this weight as fast as possible. It's not so much about the number as it is about my over all health and how I feel. So far I feel great. If I begin to feel otherwise, I will definitely reevaluate how I'm doing things.

Well, as I said, I'm in bed and tired. So I shall bid you all farewell and goodnight. Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me in my quest to feel healthy again!

~ Mama Frenchy 
(I tried to preview this before I posted it but my preview page looked totally bonkers, then when I tried to reload it, it wouln'td reload. So fingers crossed this turned out fine, otherwise I'll fix it in the morning from my laptop)

i'm back... and i'm taking control.

I know I haven't been very consistent with my blog.  I was kind of afraid this would happen.  You see, when I begin to feel obligated to write my blog (an obligation that comes from my own mind... no one actually make me feel this way), I immediately don't want to.  So I don't.  That, on top of family and friends visiting in June/July, dealing with my husband's decision to quit his job in July, going on three mini-vacations in the month of August and my computer being out of commission for a couple weeks... wait, what was I writing about?  Oh yes, my excuses.  Basically, I've been very busy and when I take into account my list of priorities, this blog, unfortunately, is on the lower end.

But... I am back  (and hopefully with a little more consistency).  I am also taking control...

Taking control of what? you say, in eager anticipation.  

Well, I have decided I am tired of feeling embarrassed about my body, so I am doing something about it.  Friday night, after much thought, I joined Weight Watchers.  I had joined WW about a month after my son was born when I noticed that my post-baby weight loss was slowing down.  I was already weighing more than I was comfortable with when I found out I was pregnant, and after gaining 50lbs during my pregnancy, I knew I needed a little extra help.  I ended up losing all my baby weight plus 10lbs with the help of WW.  But... (there's always a but) I began to get really REALLY hungry when Jacob hit about 5 months, which was when he was nursing a lot; going through a growth spurt but not yet on solids. I was trying to stay within my points, but found myself struggling.  I'm sure if I had been smarter about food choices, I could have found more filling options, but I was a brand new mom that didn't always take the time I needed to plan healthy meals and soon decided that I would quite the program but still try to do it on my own.  Right, like that was going to happen.  Fast forward to 3 years later, and here I am.  Over weight and unhappy, because I know I can be healthier.

So Friday night I decided to take back control of my health, and I am hoping to use this blog to keep me accountable.  I am unhealthy and need to lose weight - that's just a fact.  I know I have had 2 kids, and I think women especially like to make each other feel better by saying things like, "But you've had 2 kids!  Of course you're not going to have a perfect body!", but having kids is no excuse for letting your health go.  I've seen women who have had babies and are rocking a bikini months later.  Do genetics have something to do with it?  Maybe a little, especially when it comes to stretch marks, but the reality is that those mamas can rock their bikinis because they work for it.  They eat healthy, they exercise.  I eat crap and sit on my couch wishing I were healthier.  But all that is changing.

I chose WW because it worked for me once, and I know it will again ESPECIALLY if I stick with it.  I have tried just "watching what I eat" but that usually lasts only a few days.  The unique thing about WW is a) you pay to join, which motivates you to do well, otherwise you're wasting your money (or at least it does for me), and b) you have to think about everything you eat, because everything has a value (except for most fruits and veggies).  I ate mindlessly before.  If I was hungry, I ate.  Sometimes it was healthy... sometimes it wasn't, but the majority of the time it was without thinking, which usually lead to overeating.  I could open a box of Wheat Thins and the next thing I knew, the box was almost empty.  With WW I need to consider what I am eating, how much I should eat, and if what I am eating is worth the points.  And hopefully, with writing about my weight loss journey on here, I will have extra motivation, because all 4 people who actually read this will be on pins and needles every week to see if I lost.  Ok, maybe not really, but in my head the entire internet will be waiting and watching... O.o

So that being said, while contemplating writing this blog, I was thinking, "Oh, maybe I'll just talk about my successes, struggles, maybe do a little weight loss updates... but there is NO WAY I will post my actual weight".  Honestly, it's embarrassing.  I think most people would be surprised with my start weight.  But I feel like if I want to be successful, people should know where I am.  So I am going to do what no women in their right mind would ever do: I am going to post my weight on the internet, for anyone to see.  Eeek... I think I almost passed out.  This isn't easy for me... but hopefully this will further motivate me, and who knows?  Maybe I'll inspire others.  Or maybe I'll just melt into a puddle of embarrassment.  We'll see.

Alright, here are my stats as of Friday, Sept 7th (I'll be weigh myself on Fridays).

Current Weight: 190.7lbs

Weight lost this week: n/a

Total weight lost: n/a

Goal weight: 155lbs

My before picture.  I haven't taken an official one (I'll try to do that this week) but this was taken a few weeks ago.  I am sucking my stomach in as much as possible and I still have some tummy spilling over the strap of my my friend's Ergo.  Oh my.

Well, there it is.  Let the melting begin...

~ Mama Frenchy

isn't she lovely?

My sweet baby girl is one today. I can't believe it's already been a year. It hasn't always been easy but it's been totally worth it. This is the story of her birth, which I wrote while still in the hospital. Again, I go into some detail, so if you're squirmish, don't read. Happy birthday baby girl!

Ok, well here is how it all started.  Monday night did what we could to get labor started (I won't go into details...)  The next morning I started having signs that something would be happening soon... again, I'll spare you the details.



Tuesday night I started getting irregular contractions that felt more like braxton hicks.  Not painful, and sporadic, but I was hoping it was doing something.  I ended up staying up until 2:30am cleaning our house because I just knew we wouldn't get the chance to the next day.  Wednesday morning I had a doctor appointment.  I told Justin, "I don't think we'll be coming back here today.  Make sure to pack everything you need for the hospital."  At my doctor appointment  I was only 1cm and he stretched me to a "soft 2cm".  I had no idea what that meant, and I was a little bummed I hadn't dilated more, but I was still convinced she would be here either that night or the next morning.We drove to my parent's house (where we had dropped off Jacob).  Justin, Jacob and I went out to lunch with my dad and brother.  I was contracting somewhat regularly and while they were stronger, they weren't painful.  Justin was convinced we needed to start timing when we finished lunch, but I didn't want to.  We walked all through out my parent's neighborhood - nearly an hour.  We went back and began timing.  I was averaging just over 5 min apart and just under 1 minute long.  I got tired and since my contractions weren't painful yet, I decided to nap.  After an hour, I woke up and we started timing again.  They were now 4min 20sec apart and about 1min 20sec long, but still not very painful, although I could feel them getting stronger.  I still didn't want to go but Justin was so insistent so I let him call my doctor.  They told me to head in, but I still didn't want to.  My husband started loading everything up while I ate something and then we left.  Oddly enough, my contractions pretty much stopped.  I started getting frustrated and so did Justin.  I didn't want to go, but he kept saying "the worst they can do is send us home."



We checked in around 5:45pm and they put us in a room with the best view.  I mean, it was incredible - this is only a part of the panoramic view we had.  I was thinking, "Oh man, I hope they admit me and we keep this room!"  The nurse checked me and I was *almost* 4cm.  They had me walk the floor for about 25-30 minutes, and during that time I got some contractions that were strong enough that I couldn't walk through them.  When I was checked again I was 4-5cm.  The nurse said they still hadn't gotten orders to admit me from my doctor, but she said it was very unlikely that I would be sent home (yes, I get my room!)  Eventually, around 9pm, they admitted me and started monitoring my contractions.  They were decent, but again, not too painful.  People started coming - my mom, dad, Justin's mom and aunt.  The randomly our good friend Glenn showed up, and shortly after him, my friend Tiffany.  It was kind of neat having them there (until I had to flip Glenn off for saying stupid thing... he he he).  My contractions started getting painful, but moaning through them made them manageable.  Then they decided to break my water.  I was a little hesitant, but I agreed to let them do it.  It was gross and there was a little meconium in it.  Then the fun began.  My pain level was at an all new level.  I could hardly take it, and I treasured my "breaks" in between (that were progressively getting shorter).  Although I once again was unsure about it, I decided to get an epidural.  The anesthesiologist came within 5 minutes and was super nice.  He even put up with Justin asking a million questions.  He said, "Wow... you have a scientist's mind.  You're extremely observant and ask me questions no one has ever asked before." Ha.  Good thing this guy had a great sense of humor :)



After the epidural I felt great.  I could still easily move my legs, but the pain was gone.  It was a good balance.  They checked me and I was an 8.  I was told "Let us know when you feel pressure on your bottom and we'll call the doctor to start pushing."  Well... almost immediately I started feeling some pressure but decided to wait to say anything because I wasn't sure if it was just the baby moving.  After about 10 or 15 minutes later I said, "Ok, I'm definitely feeling pressure".  So the nurse said she'd call my doctor.  That was at 1am.  A few minutes after that I was like, "Um... I need to push."  My nurse kept telling me I needed to wait for the doctor.  I started having to do relaxing breathing techniques and kept telling my body to relax because the urge to push was so great.  I was trying to convince the nurse we didn't need to wait, lol.  I was like, "you do all the work anyway... the doctor only really catches the baby..." lol.  Finally the doctor came, with sheet marks on his face and hair disheveled and at 1:30 I started pushing.  Immediately, with my first push, she was crowning.  Everyone yelled "Oh my gosh - look at all that hair!!"  I kept pushing, and got her head halfway out, but just couldn't get her out any further.  I started yelling "JUST GET HER HEAD OUT!!  GET IT OUT!!" lol.  My doctor kept trying to stretch me but I guess I finally started to tear, so he gave me an episiotomy.  At that point he could have punched me in the face and I wouldn't have cared, as long as it helped get her head out ;)  After the episiotomy, one good push and her head was out and I was like "Oh my gosh... that's so much better!!"  Then they said, "Ok, one last push for the body!"  So I pushed and at 1:36am, Jenna Lynne French was born!  (Yes... only 6 minutes of pushing!)  They put her immediately on my chest and she was beautiful.  I kept saying, "Her hands look big!" lol :)

In the room with me, I had Justin, my mom, Justin's mom, my Aunt/godmother and my friend Tiffany.  I wasn't planning on having all those people in there, but they were there so I said they could stay if they wanted.  My friend took the camera and took a bunch of what I call "action shots" (aka, crotch shots), but I'll spare you all those :)
After Jenna and I had some time together, they took her to clean her up and weigh her.  They weighed her in grams at first.  The nurse weighing said "4600 grams".  I have no concept of what that equals in pounds, but I looked at the other nurse's face as she entered it into the computer and her eyes got really big.  Then the other nurse said, "Ok, in pounds... 10lbs 2oz."  Everyone in the room said "OH MY GOSH!!!" And I said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?"  I honestly didn't believe it at first.



Still in shock at her weight, the measured her and she was 20in... a little meatball!  I got her back for my "golden hour" and by 2am she was latched on and nursing away.  Everyone was shocked and said, "Is he already nursing?!?"  I was like, "Uh... yeah..."  She's a big girl.  The kids gotta eat ;) 

Over all it was a great delivery and I don't regret any of the decisions I made.  We ended up spending the night in our delivery room because they were so full they had absolutely no rooms available.  Finally at 11:30am we got a recovery room.  I could go on and on about the ups and downs of the next couple days (lack of sleep + a constantly nursing baby = crazy mama), but I'll spare you all of that.  Jenna is here and I am SO excited to have her as part of our family.  Welcome to the world, Jenna bird :)

3 years ago today...

Three years ago today, my beautiful baby boy was born.  I can't believe he's 3.  I decided to share my birth story that I wrote shortly after having him.  My views on some aspects of the birthing process have changed a bit, but this is what I remembered and how I felt only a few weeks after Jake entered the world.  It was fun reading through it.  I'll go through and edit some of the most graphic details, but I will leave most as is... so fair warning, you're going to be reading about some of the not-so-pretty parts of the birthing process.  If that makes you uncomfortable, then don't read it.  You've been warned.

Enjoy!

"July 16th was my due date, and that morning started out like most mornings.  I had my 40 week doctor's appointment and got up to get ready for that.  I'm not going to lie, I was feeling pretty down this day.  It seemed like EVERYONE said I was going to go into labor before my due date, but here I was, 40 weeks pregnant, and nothing.  I had been "having signs" for the past week and a half, but even that had slowed down.  So I decided that even though I was feeling down, I wasn't going to look like I was feeling down.  I took a nice long shower, and did my hair and make up.  Justin and I went to my doctor appointment.  He said I was almost 3cm and ready to go at any point.  Actually, he said "the gun is loaded... the trigger is ready to be pulled at any moment".  Too bad I wasn't in charge of pulling that trigger!  He also swept my membranes, which really wasn't too painful.

We went home and I just relaxed as Justin worked on his most recent project on our home.  Around 3pm he said he needed to run some errands, so he went out and I stayed home, sitting on the couch and spending some time checking out cafemom and facebook on my laptop.  On cafemom, I was reading a post in my July 2009 group about ladies who kept peeing themselves because of the way the baby was pushing on them.  Sometime around 4, while Justin was still out, I felt uncomfortable and decided that maybe I should go to the bathroom.  I got up and went.  After I was done, I stood up and felt a little gush of fluid.  I honestly thought I had just peed myself, especially after reading all of those "I keep peeing myself" posts!  So I sat back down to try to empty my bladder more.  A little pee came out, so I figured I had finally gotten so huge that I had lost all control of my bladder.  I went back to the couch, and continued to check out CM and FB.  I would sit in one place, then move a little, and feel a little gush of fluid.  I would get up and go to the bathroom and sure enough I was able to pee a little every time.  I knew there was a chance my water had broken, but since there wasn't a lot coming out, I figured it was more likely that I was just peeing myself.  So I changed and put on one of the jumbo pads I had bought for the post pardom bleeding, and waited for Justin to get home.

He came home and I told him what was going on.  He was thinking it was my water that had broken, but I told him that I thought I was just peeing myself.  Plus, I wasn't having any contractions.  We had plans to go out to dinner with our parents for Italian food, and decided we would still meet them for dinner, but not tell them about my little situation :)  When we got to the restaurant I was still "peeing" myself and had to excuse myself to use the bathroom a couple of times.  The funny thing was, every time I went to the bathroom, I was always able to go.  I was so confused - I honestly had no idea what was going on.  During dinner I didn't have much of an appetite and started feeling really uncomfortable sitting in that chair.  My back was hurting and all I wanted to do was go home and relax.  Justin wanted to go downtown for dessert and I was like "Um, no.  I want to go home".  So after dinner, we headed home.  On the car ride home, at exactly 8pm, right as my husband was saying that he thought I was in labor, I said "Uhh... something weird is happening".  My back hurt even more and it felt like I was getting a bad gas pain.  It lasted for 30-40 seconds.  Justin was sure that it was a contraction and began timing.  It was happening every 6-7 minutes.

When we got home, we decided to go on a walk to see if I was getting contractions, or if it was just a little after dinner gas.  Walking around was very uncomfortable and everything Justin was doing seemed to annoy me.  He would stop, look at someone's house, make comments about it, and I was like "Can we please just keep walking and not stop every 5 feet??"  Finally after 30 minutes of walking, I was over it and just wanted to go home and recline on the couch.  So that's exactly what I did.  Justin started doing little things around the house, like doing some dishes and picking up a bit, and I timed my "gas pains" with an online contraction timer.  They were now between 4 & 5 minutes apart and were about 1 minute long,  They were very regular, and I kept gushing fluid here and there.  Ok, I know at this point it seems very obvious I was in labor, but I was so afraid of going to L&D and being told it was pee and gas, and to come back when I was really in labor.  But around 9:30pm. my gas was getting intense and my back was killing me, so we decided to call my doctor.  He had originally told me to call when contractions were between 10 & 15 minutes apart. When I told him what was going on, he told me to head in.  So Justin took a quick shower, and around 10pm we headed to the hospital.

On the way there I continued getting "pains" and they were getting more intense.  We got in a room right away and I was hooked up to a monitor and sure enough, I was having contractions,  The nurse checked me and I was at 4cm.  She also checked to see if it really was my water that had broken, and sure enough, that's what all those little gushes were :)  At one point, she was checking to see how dilated I was and a ton of water gushed out - it was like someone poured a bucket of water out of me.  Justin said there was A LOT of fluid.  Had that happeend earlier, I would have definitely known it was my water, lol.  My nurse said I could get an epidural if I wanted (it was around 10;30pm) but I said I wanted to see how long I could go without one.  We began calling family and letting people know I was in labor.  Soon, my mom, dad, mother in law, sister, aunt, and my good friend all showed up in my labor and delivery room.  My contractions were getting a little more intense and when I would have one, everyone would stop talking and look at me.  I was like "Could you please just keep talking??  It keeps my mind off of the pain".

Sometime around 12am (I think... at this point my frame of reference starts getting a little fuzzy) the nurse came to check me again.  I was at 5cm.  I don't know what happened but after that my contractions started getting super intense and I felt like my lower back/tailbone was going to break off.  It was horrible.  Finally at 1am I said "Ok, put me on the list for an epidural... I might be wanting one soon."  They had said it would be an hour or so because the anesthesiologist was in a c-section.  I said that was fine because I still wasn't 100% sure I wanted the epidural.  Well, after that hour I was begging for the epidural.  During contractions I would cry out "epidural ladyyyyyyyyyy!"  I think I traumatized my poor sister... now she never wants kids, lol.  At this point my contractions were 1 minute long and only 30 seconds apart and I was 8cm.  After an hour and a half, I asked about the epidural and another woman was getting it done and I was up next.  Around 3 it was finally my turn.  I began crying a little because I felt like I was a failure.  I wanted so bad to make it without one, but the pain was so intense I couldn't stand it anymore.  I was having some gnarly back labor and couldn't take the pain anymore.  The anesthesiologist came in and I was so happy to see her.  I told her she was my new best friend, lol!  At this point my contractions were on top of each other,  Before one would even end, the other was starting again.  I wasn't getting any rest in between.  My nurse was even saying "I'm so sorry honey, I know this is so hard.  You aren't getting any breaks!".  (By the way, I had the most amazing labor and delivery nurse ever. She was my age, super sweet, and after talking to her for a while we found out that she too was a Christian.)

Finally I began to get my epidural.  I don't know what hurt worse, the contractions or the epidural.  It was SO painful.  I needed a distraction and for some reason began singing "I love You Lord and I lift my voice, to worship You oh my soul, rejoice.  Take joy my King, in what You hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear" over and over again.  Well let me tell you, the noise coming from me wasn't a very sweet, sweet sound, but it seemed to work.  It relaxed me more than I had been the entire labor.  It makes me wonder if I had kept that up, would I have been able to make it without an epidural?    But I was still in a lot of pain and something about it just didn't feel right.  Even though the epidural was now in, the epidural site still hurt really bad and I wasn't feeling any relief.  After about 20 minutes of no relief, the anesthesiologist said "I don't like this at all.  You should have some relief by now.  We're taking it out and doing it again."  I began crying because I was afraid maybe epidurals wouldn't work on me.  My nurse kept telling me it would be ok.  I kept singing the same lines, over and over again.  I went through another painful epidural, but this time it worked!  They started asking me if it was working and I said "I think so... I THINK I'm having a contraction right now..."  they laughed and said "yeah, it's working."  I finally began to relax and my nurse said "I was praying for you the whole time!  You did such a good job!"  Like I said, she was amazing!

After that, I felt so much better.  I could still feel my contractions, but they weren't painful, just a tightening feeling.  I was also able to better enjoy my company and even doze off for a bit.  Apaprently at one point the baby and I were getting a little too relaxed and I needed a little oxygen to wake up the baby a bit.  Around 6am they decided that it would be time to push soon.  Everyone was kicked out of my room (except for Justin), and at 6:20am, I began to push.  One of my fears was pooping while I pushed... and I kept trying to not poop while I pushed, but finally decided that it was hindering my pushing abilities so said "screw it!" and began pushing with everything in me.  I liked that I could still feel what was going on, it just wasn't as intense.  After a little over an hour of pushing, they called my doctor and he was in there within 5 minutes.  Now things started getting serious.

I kept pushing and pushing.  When the head was crowning I could feel that I was tearing.  It was fairly painful, even with the epidural.  Then my doctor began giving me an episiotomy, which also didn't feel to pleasant.  At the time I didn't really care though, I just wanted the baby out.  (Afterwards, I had asked him about it and he said I began tearing up as well, which is why he decided to give me the episiotomy - so I wouldn't tear up anymore... but for those of you wondering, no, he didn't ask me if I wanted one.)  Then I gave a really big push, with a scream, and his head came out.  He grabbed my baby's head and said "Sarah, look at your baby" and turned his head to look at me.  I couldn't actually see him, but Justin said it was really funny, because I had a head sticking out on both ends, lol.  Justin is weird like that ;)  I then gave another hard push and at 8:03am the rest of his body came out.  The feeling of him leaving my body was incredible.  They laid him on top of me and I met my little Jacob for the first time.  It was so awesome - such a holy moment.  I kept crying "My baby, my baby!"  My husband got to cut the cord and after they cleaned him up and weighed him (9lbs 4oz, 20.5in), they placed him on my chest and he stayed there for almost an hour. 

During this time my doctor was stitching me up - and I felt every stitch.  I told him that I felt it and he said we could wait and I could get numbed but at that point I just wanted it to be over with so I told him to just finish it.  I swear it took forever for him to stitch me up!  But I didn't care.  Nothing mattered  - I didn't care about anything but my husband and our new little boy.

When our family and friends finally came back in (our group had grown a little), it was like the paparazzi arrived!  Cameras were going off everywhere.  It was so nice having them all there... everyone was so excited.  I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying.  And it's true what they say about labor - that you forget all of the hard stuff as soon as the baby is born.  I remember thinking how horrible labor was and how I never want to experience this again while I was in labor, but as soon as Jacob came out, I forgot all about that and would have gone through it again in a heartbeat.  It was really an amazing experience.

I am so thankful that I had such a "normal" birthing experience.  Nothing scary happened, no complications, and no need for pitocin!! (That was a goal of mine - not NOT use pitocin.  Nurses were amazed that I didn't need any.  I think it's because I held off on the epidural for as long as I did).  I felt like my 12 hour labor went by fairly fast, and although the healing part hasn't been fun, it hasn't been that bad either.  The first week after Jacob was born had so many ups and downs for me.  At times I still can't believe that he is here and that he is ours, but I also can't imagine life without him anymore.  It really puts into perspective what God must have gone through giving up His son for us.  I honestly don't think I could do it.  I would do anything to protect my son.  I love being a mom... words can't describe  the experience of motherhood or the feelings I have for my little guy."